No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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