so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
