Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
