Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
