The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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