I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
