proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
