guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
