I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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