And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
