how can u be prego again
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
