Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i think my mom watched the whole time
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
