I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
