Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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