I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
i think my cat just said my name.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
