I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
