my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
