I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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