Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
even my farts smell like vagina
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
