I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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