how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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