hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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