May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
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