I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
