Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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