Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
