I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
