ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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