I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
