Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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