I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
