Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I am one with the molecules
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
