Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
