is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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