All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
