If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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