dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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