just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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