The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
