I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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