My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
