I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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