Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
