so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
