I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
