I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
