she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
