I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
