i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
