My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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