well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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